How to Address Relationship Power Imbalances for a Healthier Connection
Ah, power imbalances in relationships—the classic tale of one partner wielding the emotional equivalent of a sledgehammer while the other is armed with a rubber chicken. In a healthy relationship, power dynamics should resemble a well-choreographed dance, where both partners lead and follow in harmony. However, when the scales tip, it can make even the strongest couples feel out of sync and off balance. The good news? If you can recognize and acknowledge these imbalances, equilibrium can be restored. It’s all about open communication, mutual respect, and perhaps a little negotiation—like deciding who gets to pick the restaurant without it turning into a high-stakes game of rock-paper-scissors.
What is a Relationship Power Imbalance?
Picture this: one partner makes all the decisions, from what to watch on Netflix to whether or not to adopt a pet tarantula. Meanwhile, the other partner is left nodding along, wondering if they should just start a support group for “Decisions Made Without My Input.” Power imbalances can manifest in various ways—financial control, emotional manipulation, or simply one partner being the self-appointed “CEO of Everything.” Sometimes it shows up in a demand/withdrawal dynamic (where one person seeks attention and the other avoids it), or the distancer/pursuer setup (where one partner is more invested and the other feels smothered). These situations can turn small decisions and normal life challenges into an emotional tug-of-war, creating frustration and distance.
What Causes Power Imbalances in Relationships?
Power imbalances don’t show up overnight and can creep in stealthily over time. Common causes of power imbalances include:
Communication Issues:
Communication issues in relationships are like trying to navigate with a broken GPS— you end up somewhere you never intended. When one person avoids tough conversations or steamrolls the other with their opinions, power imbalances begin to grow. Suddenly, it's less about partnership and more about what the individual wants. Open, honest chats help keep the balance, because when you're both heard, no one's left holding all the power.
Cultural Expectations:
Cultural expectations are another way power imbalances permeate relationships, like when one partner is "supposed" to handle the finances or always make dinner because, well, that’s just how it's done, right? These outdated norms can turn into silent power plays, making one person feel like they're stuck playing a role they never auditioned for. It's time to flip the script and remember that relationships work best when both partners are calling the shots—not society’s old rulebook.
Insecurity:
Feeling insecure in your relationship puts you at risk of experiencing a power imbalance. When one partner feels less-than, they might overcompensate by letting the other person take the wheel - they just close their eyes and go along for the ride. Suddenly, you've got a power imbalance where one person is in control, and the other is giving in. The trick? Step into your own power - not with force or disrespect, but with love and savvy.
What Happens When One Partner Holds More Power?
When one person consistently has more control in a relationship, things can start to go sideways. Here are a few common issues:
Resentment: Feeling ignored or overlooked can slowly build up into frustration and bitterness.
Communication Breakdown: If someone feels like their voice doesn’t matter, they might stop speaking up altogether. This can lead to more misunderstandings and, you guessed it, even more frustration.
Emotional Distance: Unresolved power struggles can create emotional walls between you and your partner, making it harder to connect over time.
How to Tackle Power Imbalance
Terry Real, a well-known couples therapist and author, talks about the dynamics of power in relationships using the terms "one-up," "one-down," and "same-as." Here’s what they mean:
One-up happens when one partner takes charge, making decisions and calling the shots. This can leave the other person feeling frustrated and undervalued like their opinions don’t count.
One-down is when one partner feels like they’re always following the other’s lead, which can stifle their voice and leave them feeling unfulfilled. “You cannot love from above or below”, says Terry Real in his book “Us”.
The key to maintaining balance is for both partners to aim for a “same-as” approach, where they see each other as equals. In this dynamic, both people feel comfortable expressing themselves, leading to more respect, better communication, and a stronger partnership.
Ready to Get in the "Same-As" Groove? Here Are Some Actionable Steps:
Set Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t just about saying "no" – they’re about making sure both partners feel respected. Setting clear limits on what’s okay and what’s not helps open up communication and build mutual respect.
Communicate Assertively: Be open and direct about what you need without blaming your partner. When both of you get a chance to talk and be heard, it stops one person from taking over the conversation.
Practice Empathy: Empathy is all about trying to see things from your partner’s point of view. By putting yourself in their shoes, you show that you’re ready to work together and that you truly “get” them – this can help level the playing field.
Final Thoughts on Power Imbalances
At the end of the day, every couple has their moments where one’s swinging a sledgehammer and the other’s left flailing with a rubber chicken. But the secret to a happy relationship is knowing when things have gotten out of whack and working together to even things out. Once you lay down those "weapons" and focus on what really matters—like actually talking, showing respect, and maybe haggling over who gets to pick dinner without going “one-up” or “one-down”—you’ll find your groove again. Relationships are about teamwork, not tug-of-war. So toss aside the chaos, grab some balance, and get back to a smooth waltz with your partner (even if your next step is figuring out where to order takeout from)!
Want some help with this?
Figuring out how power imbalances play out in your relationship—and learning the skills to restore balance—can be challenging. But you don’t have to do it alone. At Therapy Place of Oakville, I specialize in helping clients recognize these dynamics and work toward healthier, more balanced relationships with relationship counselling. Ready to take that first step? Reach out today, and let's start the journey together!